The last post I wrote was a month ago and I must say it's crazy how much can change in a month.
2014, for me has been a year in which I have learnt more about myself than I thought was possible..
In 2 weeks I will be twenty and I am glad that I am going into the second decade of my life with a much clearer vision of who I am and the type of person I wish to be.
This year has taught me so many lessons, I came into 2014 in a very different situation to the one I am in now.
I have gone through a lot of conflict physically and mentally this year, I have suffered but I have learnt more than anything. I have made many decisions that made me feel very weak at the time but as time has gone on I feel my decisions have helped me grow more and more each day.
This year has taught me that you have to let go of the things and people that make you feel heavy. It has taught me that the harder the times you have, the more you realise the people that deserve to have a place in your life. It has taught me that not everyone is put in your life to stay, they are put there to teach you about yourself whether that means bringing out the best or the worst in you.
This year has taught me that not every relationship is supposed to work out, family or lover or friend, no matter how painful it may be to remove a person from your life sometimes you must do it for your own well-being.
This year has taught me the importance of family. It has taught me to surround myself with good people, good food, good books, good music. To surround myself with as much positivity as possible.
In the past few months I have become a lot less obsessed with my body and I have grown a different type of respect for it. I used to punish myself for eating the wrong things and I'd push myself to exercise even when I felt physically unable, I used to feel horrified some days looking at myself in the mirror and now I have learnt that being healthy and happy is much more important than the girls plastered all over instagram that people wish to be.
I am learning to put myself first and to avoid those that come in and out of my life as they please and bring nothing but negative vibes with them.
I have found that my work ethic is something I wish to take seriously in many areas of my life, I have to work hard to get to the places I want to be.
I have found that whenever you are in a bad place you have to reflect on the changes you have made in the past few months to help you realise how far you have come.
I have learnt that you have to keep pushing forward and that you can get through anything with a glass of wine or a cup of tea.
I have learnt that helping others allows you to hear your own advice and take it onboard even if it is unconsciously.
So I am asking anyone that reads this.. what have you learnt about yourself this year? Do you want to move into the new year with everything as it is now? Are you happy? Only you have the power to give yourself a good life. You should make those around you happy, but if you aren't happy in yourself your negativity will rub off on others.
Remember your silver lining could just be around the corner.
Wishing you all a healthy, happy and memorable 2015.
Thankyou to those who actually take time out reading my blogs/ramblings.
Lots of love xxxxxxxxx
Friday, 26 December 2014
Saturday, 15 November 2014
The bigger picture.
I think a lot of my friends will probably tear their hair out when they read this. It is something I must do and I am sorry.
I have known from a very young age that I am a very creative person. I have found that this is how i vent my feelings. I wash away negativity through acting or dancing or writing. I would rather go do a workout and sweat it out then sit in my room and cry. I'd sooner go to the studio and choreograph a routine than sit moaning for hours. I feel like if I create something I'll instantly feel better.
This is probably going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to write but I feel like I must do it not only for myself but for others that have been through this and will go through this so that they know that they aren't alone, they aren't going mad and most importantly- they will get through it.
I have never been through a break-up before. Considering this was my first relationship and my first in several aspects of my life I must admit it felt almost at first like a part of me had disappeared when it ended. I had gotten so used to being in a relationship- to talking to the same person day in, day out. To telling them every problem I had, how my day had been, to the stupidest things- like how exciting the new drink at Starbucks was. Everything I saw and did I felt had to be shared. He was my best friend.
When you're in a relationship you become a piece of each other, if you're in a long-term relationship you will become very alike, you'll have a language that only the two of you understand, you won't have to ask what the other is thinking because you'll already know, you will know when you've done something wrong before they tell you, you will learn to know them inside out.
I think a lot of people thought I was insane for being engaged so young but at the time it felt right. I have a very big heart and I am also very stubborn and I won't give myself away unless it feels completely right. When I go into something like that I'm either all or nothing. I can't do anything half-heartedly. If you are my friend, you will understand this, my relationships with people are very sacred to me. I am very protective of the people I love and I will defend them to the end of the earth. I will give them everything I have even when I have nothing for myself.
I also won't let myself be taken for granted. To an extent I do, but you can only push me so far and then I have to cut you off for my own sake. I gave my all in that relationship, I fought for it in every way I could. He was my best friend and at times my worst enemy but I really, truly loved him. And I know that although towards the end it felt as though I was having none of this returned, I know at some point in this whirlwind we did love each other and it was never a mistake, only a lesson learnt.
I have let a lot of people down through this break-up and for that I can only apologize. I went completely in on myself and the people around me suffered, I haven't allowed myself to be alone for very long at all in the past month or so up until right now while I am typing this because I couldn't trust myself. If I was alone my emotions would go crazy and I would just sit and cry. I don't think anyone should have to go through a break-up, it physically and mentally drains the life out of you and I don't think anyone should suffer this way. But as I have been told many times by family and friends- even during my relationship- nothing lasts forever. You must appreciate something while you have it and I felt that by the end I wasn't appreciated enough and this is why I wanted to write this.
You have to let go of the things that make you feel heavy. You can get through anything if you put your mind to it. If you feel like a situation fills you up with negativity then you must remove yourself from it. It's a cliche but we only have one life and you only have this one life to be yourself. I felt towards the end of the relationship I wasn't myself anymore. I wasn't being uplifted by it, it was dragging me down. I was always too worried about what he was doing than what I could have been doing for myself. You MUST look after number one, acknowledge your own feelings. Think about what's best for yourself.
Another thing we must all come to terms with is nobody will react to a situation like you will. I found it so difficult to get my head around my ex moving on so quickly because I felt as though I had given so much to him that I needed to work on myself and find myself really before I would feel as though it was going to be okay to move on. I couldn't understand how he could go from being the centre of my universe to being the centre of another's. As I said earlier when I go into something I want to give it all or nothing. I think if I had moved on quickly it would have been a waste for that person because I wouldn't have anything left to give. I was empty by the end. This past month I have filled myself up as much as I can. The best advice I can give to a person coming from all of this is that you must fill yourself up too. Read, watch, learn, experience. It seems a bit cringey really but seriously put yourself out there. Talk and laugh with the people around you. Every person you talk to will have their own experiences and stories to share and it helps hearing them. It really does.
Every day since this I have learnt more and more about myself and I think although it hurt more than anything it was very necessary for me to do it for myself.
I have watched far too many people in my family suffer during relationships, I have watched them put up fight after fight and be left with nothing. When you see the people you love suffer you give them all this advice because it cuts you right to the core to see them suffer this way but when it comes down to you and you look in the mirror and see your own suffering, your own issues, are you ever going to take your own advice?
Another thing I have learnt is never apologize for saying how you feel. We all react to things in different ways, we all deal with situations differently. You can't think that because your friend moved on from their relationship so quickly that you will too. You can't think that because your friend doesn't cry over something that you're being pathetic if you do. As the saying goes, we live and we learn. We are all different and from every negative thing we pick up something positive.
Through any negative situation we must go through, there is always going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't met my ex I wouldn't be sat in this university library right now typing this. I wouldn't be living in Stoke. I wouldn't have found so many incredible people and done so many amazing things.
When you're having a hard time always look at the bigger picture. When you finally find your silver lining you will eventually see the reason for your cloud, no matter how dark the cloud may be.
I have known from a very young age that I am a very creative person. I have found that this is how i vent my feelings. I wash away negativity through acting or dancing or writing. I would rather go do a workout and sweat it out then sit in my room and cry. I'd sooner go to the studio and choreograph a routine than sit moaning for hours. I feel like if I create something I'll instantly feel better.
This is probably going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to write but I feel like I must do it not only for myself but for others that have been through this and will go through this so that they know that they aren't alone, they aren't going mad and most importantly- they will get through it.
I have never been through a break-up before. Considering this was my first relationship and my first in several aspects of my life I must admit it felt almost at first like a part of me had disappeared when it ended. I had gotten so used to being in a relationship- to talking to the same person day in, day out. To telling them every problem I had, how my day had been, to the stupidest things- like how exciting the new drink at Starbucks was. Everything I saw and did I felt had to be shared. He was my best friend.
When you're in a relationship you become a piece of each other, if you're in a long-term relationship you will become very alike, you'll have a language that only the two of you understand, you won't have to ask what the other is thinking because you'll already know, you will know when you've done something wrong before they tell you, you will learn to know them inside out.
I think a lot of people thought I was insane for being engaged so young but at the time it felt right. I have a very big heart and I am also very stubborn and I won't give myself away unless it feels completely right. When I go into something like that I'm either all or nothing. I can't do anything half-heartedly. If you are my friend, you will understand this, my relationships with people are very sacred to me. I am very protective of the people I love and I will defend them to the end of the earth. I will give them everything I have even when I have nothing for myself.
I also won't let myself be taken for granted. To an extent I do, but you can only push me so far and then I have to cut you off for my own sake. I gave my all in that relationship, I fought for it in every way I could. He was my best friend and at times my worst enemy but I really, truly loved him. And I know that although towards the end it felt as though I was having none of this returned, I know at some point in this whirlwind we did love each other and it was never a mistake, only a lesson learnt.
I have let a lot of people down through this break-up and for that I can only apologize. I went completely in on myself and the people around me suffered, I haven't allowed myself to be alone for very long at all in the past month or so up until right now while I am typing this because I couldn't trust myself. If I was alone my emotions would go crazy and I would just sit and cry. I don't think anyone should have to go through a break-up, it physically and mentally drains the life out of you and I don't think anyone should suffer this way. But as I have been told many times by family and friends- even during my relationship- nothing lasts forever. You must appreciate something while you have it and I felt that by the end I wasn't appreciated enough and this is why I wanted to write this.
You have to let go of the things that make you feel heavy. You can get through anything if you put your mind to it. If you feel like a situation fills you up with negativity then you must remove yourself from it. It's a cliche but we only have one life and you only have this one life to be yourself. I felt towards the end of the relationship I wasn't myself anymore. I wasn't being uplifted by it, it was dragging me down. I was always too worried about what he was doing than what I could have been doing for myself. You MUST look after number one, acknowledge your own feelings. Think about what's best for yourself.
Another thing we must all come to terms with is nobody will react to a situation like you will. I found it so difficult to get my head around my ex moving on so quickly because I felt as though I had given so much to him that I needed to work on myself and find myself really before I would feel as though it was going to be okay to move on. I couldn't understand how he could go from being the centre of my universe to being the centre of another's. As I said earlier when I go into something I want to give it all or nothing. I think if I had moved on quickly it would have been a waste for that person because I wouldn't have anything left to give. I was empty by the end. This past month I have filled myself up as much as I can. The best advice I can give to a person coming from all of this is that you must fill yourself up too. Read, watch, learn, experience. It seems a bit cringey really but seriously put yourself out there. Talk and laugh with the people around you. Every person you talk to will have their own experiences and stories to share and it helps hearing them. It really does.
Every day since this I have learnt more and more about myself and I think although it hurt more than anything it was very necessary for me to do it for myself.
I have watched far too many people in my family suffer during relationships, I have watched them put up fight after fight and be left with nothing. When you see the people you love suffer you give them all this advice because it cuts you right to the core to see them suffer this way but when it comes down to you and you look in the mirror and see your own suffering, your own issues, are you ever going to take your own advice?
Another thing I have learnt is never apologize for saying how you feel. We all react to things in different ways, we all deal with situations differently. You can't think that because your friend moved on from their relationship so quickly that you will too. You can't think that because your friend doesn't cry over something that you're being pathetic if you do. As the saying goes, we live and we learn. We are all different and from every negative thing we pick up something positive.
Through any negative situation we must go through, there is always going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't met my ex I wouldn't be sat in this university library right now typing this. I wouldn't be living in Stoke. I wouldn't have found so many incredible people and done so many amazing things.
When you're having a hard time always look at the bigger picture. When you finally find your silver lining you will eventually see the reason for your cloud, no matter how dark the cloud may be.
Thursday, 11 September 2014
9/11
Coincidence, to me, is the most frightening concept. Anything can happen 'by coincidence', I'm a big believer in fate. I know you're rolling your eyes. I think everything happens for a reason. We meet people to teach us about ourselves. Nothing is regrettable, simply a lesson. We fall in love to help us see ourselves at our most vulnerable. We make friends to make experiences. We work our fingers to the bone to fund the path we're trying to make. We move from job to job and we meet people along the way that can change our life for the better or for the worse. We love and we hate.
How many people that day do you think had argued the night before? How many people do you think hadn't spoken to a family member for months and months over one stupid, bitter argument? How many, do you think, had forgotten to tell their partner how much they loved them before they left work? How many people do you think were affected that day?
Most of us take our lives for granted. We think, this, the coffee cup I'm drinking from, the laptop I'm typing on, the texts I'm typing on the phone next to me to the people I genuinely love and care about, we think it's all there forever. We don't assume for one second that it could be snatched away from us at any moment. I'm also almost certain that most people that day didn't expect the rug to be pulled from underneath them either. We simply muffle the noise of the world. Wrap ourselves up in bubble wrap and blankets, hide ourselves from the ugly truth.
There must be so many people out there that blame themselves for that day, something they could have said, something they could have done. The people that were late to work that day because they missed the bus or they slept through their alarm. People that will always say 'It should have been me.' but it wasn't because that wasn't meant to be their point of exit, their time to go. It's horrible but it's true. I'm sure one of those people that didn't die that day were someone that completely took their life for granted and the reason he/she didn't die that day was to teach him or her a lesson. You have to love the people around you. Don't expect anyone to be there forever. Make sure everyone you care about, knows you care.
Distance and loss teaches you a lot about the people you surround yourself with. When I moved away I found that many people who I thought were my friends, weren't. I learnt that many people only want you when it suits them, or they only need you when they need something. You have to open your eyes and realise the people that are important are the ones that know when you're not okay. The ones that make an effort. The ones that are interested in getting to know you. The ones that are happy when you are happy and are saddened by your suffering. Those are the people to look out for. The ones that will teach you about yourself, the ones that will carry you forward.
How many people do you think on that day claimed they were terribly upset by the loss of someone they were 'so close to' when actually they'd had nothing to do with them for months on end? The reason they were terribly upset was because they realised that they'd never have a chance to see or speak to that person again. To talk, to laugh, to hug.
We are all so clumsy and forgetful that we don't see the bigger picture? Does it really matter if you're a minute later to work because you were having one last minute extra in bed with your loved one? You're never going to say if you're hit by a car on the way to work "Oh well at least I was on time."
What I'm trying to say is open your eyes. Don't be arrogant. Don't expect people to always be there. Make the effort. Be the good person. Apologise. Make ammends. Don't hold grudges. Love.
It could all be taken away too quickly.
Rest in peace and may all those affected find peace. Xo
How many people that day do you think had argued the night before? How many people do you think hadn't spoken to a family member for months and months over one stupid, bitter argument? How many, do you think, had forgotten to tell their partner how much they loved them before they left work? How many people do you think were affected that day?
Most of us take our lives for granted. We think, this, the coffee cup I'm drinking from, the laptop I'm typing on, the texts I'm typing on the phone next to me to the people I genuinely love and care about, we think it's all there forever. We don't assume for one second that it could be snatched away from us at any moment. I'm also almost certain that most people that day didn't expect the rug to be pulled from underneath them either. We simply muffle the noise of the world. Wrap ourselves up in bubble wrap and blankets, hide ourselves from the ugly truth.
There must be so many people out there that blame themselves for that day, something they could have said, something they could have done. The people that were late to work that day because they missed the bus or they slept through their alarm. People that will always say 'It should have been me.' but it wasn't because that wasn't meant to be their point of exit, their time to go. It's horrible but it's true. I'm sure one of those people that didn't die that day were someone that completely took their life for granted and the reason he/she didn't die that day was to teach him or her a lesson. You have to love the people around you. Don't expect anyone to be there forever. Make sure everyone you care about, knows you care.
Distance and loss teaches you a lot about the people you surround yourself with. When I moved away I found that many people who I thought were my friends, weren't. I learnt that many people only want you when it suits them, or they only need you when they need something. You have to open your eyes and realise the people that are important are the ones that know when you're not okay. The ones that make an effort. The ones that are interested in getting to know you. The ones that are happy when you are happy and are saddened by your suffering. Those are the people to look out for. The ones that will teach you about yourself, the ones that will carry you forward.
How many people do you think on that day claimed they were terribly upset by the loss of someone they were 'so close to' when actually they'd had nothing to do with them for months on end? The reason they were terribly upset was because they realised that they'd never have a chance to see or speak to that person again. To talk, to laugh, to hug.
We are all so clumsy and forgetful that we don't see the bigger picture? Does it really matter if you're a minute later to work because you were having one last minute extra in bed with your loved one? You're never going to say if you're hit by a car on the way to work "Oh well at least I was on time."
What I'm trying to say is open your eyes. Don't be arrogant. Don't expect people to always be there. Make the effort. Be the good person. Apologise. Make ammends. Don't hold grudges. Love.
It could all be taken away too quickly.
Rest in peace and may all those affected find peace. Xo
Friday, 5 September 2014
Go hard or go home! really though...
Okay I'm typing this out on my phone so I'm not sure if it will be as good as my usual writing.
I've just been asked by an old friend what type of exercises are best if you don't have good stamina. The truth is none of us have good stamina to start out with, we all have to train our bodies to achieve good stamina.
I had horrendous asthma as a child so I never really learnt how to breathe properly because I was always ill and I've always found it hard to breathe through my nose so when people say "in through the nose, out through the mouth" it genuinely makes me panic because I really struggle to do that.
If you aren't willing to push yourself to the point where you feel sick and you can't breathe properly then you aren't pushing yourself enough to see the progress.
I always get really anxious before I workout. I am really self-conscious and I'm always worried that someone will laugh at how red in the face I get or how much sweat drips off me but the truth is most personal trainers want to see that so they can see you're putting the effort in!
My best advice for people is to constantly try to exercise, even if you start out doing aerobics or swimming. You're doing something to push your body that bit more.
If you struggle to breathe like me then try yoga as they teach a lot of breathing exercises and the stuff you do during yoga really does clear your head.
I used to really hate doing bootcamp and circuit training classes when I was living back in Manchester but now I love doing these classes. Yes it's intense and you feel like you can't go on and you become a dramatic mess but the way you feel afterwards completely overrides it all.
I used to also really struggle to run. I'm not a massive fan of it now but I love to say I can do something and I'm always in competition with myself and wanting to become better so I've found that starting from a simple run round the block or running to the shop gets your body used to doing it and before you know it you feel physically able to do a 5k and then you can build and build and build on that.
I know a lot of people prefer to exercise in the comfort of their own home. I've seen the most successful exercise videos are the insanity workout and also Gillian Michaels- however I think working out at home should only be if you really don't have time to get out for yourself or if you're trying to build yourself up...who wants to carry on following someone shouting at them from TV, when there's a kettle in the next room ready to make you a nice soothing cup of tea... There is too much temptation at home to just sit down and take a minute...and then another...and another....oh look you've had a nap...
So you see if you want to build yourselves a better body it's all trial and error like most things in life. Find what works for you..I hated spinning the first two classes and then after that my body was used to it and I began to...dare I say..enjoy it. You must try exercises at least three times before you can write it off as a definite no-no.
happy working out :)
Hannah. X
I've just been asked by an old friend what type of exercises are best if you don't have good stamina. The truth is none of us have good stamina to start out with, we all have to train our bodies to achieve good stamina.
I had horrendous asthma as a child so I never really learnt how to breathe properly because I was always ill and I've always found it hard to breathe through my nose so when people say "in through the nose, out through the mouth" it genuinely makes me panic because I really struggle to do that.
If you aren't willing to push yourself to the point where you feel sick and you can't breathe properly then you aren't pushing yourself enough to see the progress.
I always get really anxious before I workout. I am really self-conscious and I'm always worried that someone will laugh at how red in the face I get or how much sweat drips off me but the truth is most personal trainers want to see that so they can see you're putting the effort in!
My best advice for people is to constantly try to exercise, even if you start out doing aerobics or swimming. You're doing something to push your body that bit more.
If you struggle to breathe like me then try yoga as they teach a lot of breathing exercises and the stuff you do during yoga really does clear your head.
I used to really hate doing bootcamp and circuit training classes when I was living back in Manchester but now I love doing these classes. Yes it's intense and you feel like you can't go on and you become a dramatic mess but the way you feel afterwards completely overrides it all.
I used to also really struggle to run. I'm not a massive fan of it now but I love to say I can do something and I'm always in competition with myself and wanting to become better so I've found that starting from a simple run round the block or running to the shop gets your body used to doing it and before you know it you feel physically able to do a 5k and then you can build and build and build on that.
I know a lot of people prefer to exercise in the comfort of their own home. I've seen the most successful exercise videos are the insanity workout and also Gillian Michaels- however I think working out at home should only be if you really don't have time to get out for yourself or if you're trying to build yourself up...who wants to carry on following someone shouting at them from TV, when there's a kettle in the next room ready to make you a nice soothing cup of tea... There is too much temptation at home to just sit down and take a minute...and then another...and another....oh look you've had a nap...
So you see if you want to build yourselves a better body it's all trial and error like most things in life. Find what works for you..I hated spinning the first two classes and then after that my body was used to it and I began to...dare I say..enjoy it. You must try exercises at least three times before you can write it off as a definite no-no.
happy working out :)
Hannah. X
Tuesday, 12 August 2014
Speaking out.
Many things have led me to speak out about mental health and depression. Alike many things I've blogged about I am by no means an expert but I talk about the things I have personally learnt from my own experiences with myself and with others and from what I have read and watched. I think it is very important that I talk about this. I think it is one of those subjects that are brushed under the carpet...a topic of conversation nobody dares bring up. I had a friend in college who suffered terribly and any time I tried to speak to him, I would be nudged subtly by someone else at the table as if it was a forbidden subject. Why should it be that way? People suffer from all sorts of things. It's a known fact. So why is it we can only talk about someone suffering physically? Why can't we talk when someone is suffering mentally? When their mind is eating them alive? Surely that is a much more terrible kind of suffering? Mental pain that they are unable to escape.
It's all well and good saying to someone 'Think positively' 'You need to stop being so moody' and my personal favourite 'Smile! It might never happen'. It is such an insult to see that this is the way people view mental illnesses. Yes, we would all love to be positive and live wonderful, happy lives but life happens and there are deaths, there are illnesses, there are family troubles, there are fights and arguments, there are jobs and bills, there are unwanted pregnancies, there are failed relationships and failed friendships, there are the media telling us all about people with more money, better clothes, better lifestyles, better bodies, shoving it right in our faces to make us feel terrible about ourselves. That to me is never okay. There is so many things wrong with the world..how can you possibly question someone allowing it to get on top of them?
I find it so sad that a major actor/comedian such as Robin Williams has to commit suicide for the world to see what a horrible issue it is to suffer from any mental health disorder including depression.
I have seen depression destroy the lives of many people. They don't want to leave the house. They don't want to talk or move from their bedrooms. They want the curtains closed and the covers over their heads and it is not a life I want any of my friends or family to lead.
Here is something many people didn't know....I suffered for a long time. I used to have depression, it may not have been the worst kind, I may not have had to take anything but I was depressed. I have dealt with a lot of things with my family but not only that.. I hated my body. I hated my body for a long time. I used to make myself sick and starve myself for days on end. At one point I was terrified to drink water because I didn't want the scales to show I'd gained an extra pound.. I made myself very very ill and I didn't tell a soul for a long time. I was terrified for someone to think I was crazy, because I felt like I was losing my mind. I had no self-control, I was so upset with my life that I just wanted to continuously hurt myself so that I knew nobody else could ever hurt me as much as I was hurting myself. That was unhealthy. I was obsessed. I used to weigh myself every single morning, sometimes throughout the day aswell. I was hooked on doing everything in my power to lose more weight.
Not only that, I used to cut myself. I used to cut my arms and the tops of my thighs with razors. I never felt the pain either. I used to watch the blood wash over my skin and think how fucked up I must be for it to not even hurt because I was so mentally upset the physical pain became nothing. I remember when my mum saw the marks- the disappointment on her face was awful. She never knew how to handle it, she would cry and think she was a failed mother and she would shout at me because she would be desperate for my sisters not to see it and think that this was okay for them to do aswell. This doesn't make my mum a bad person in any way. Most people have no idea how to deal with it but I think it is wrong for people to say someone is bad for suffering with depression or that they could easily 'cheer up', nothing is easy about it.
There were many times when my friend had horrendous days and I would insist on staying over at hers to make sure she got out of bed in the morning. People suffering like this may ask to be left alone but that's not what they need. Just like everyone we all need to be shown love and affection, we all need to be offered support, given a chance to talk and laugh and smile and breathe outside our own space. If you know anyone that is suffering you must let them know that you are there. That you care. You must try to cheer them up, not tell them to cheer themselves up. As the saying goes... "A problem shared is a problem halved and happiness shared is joy doubled."
If you want to live in a positive world, if you want your friends to be happy or your family to be happy you have to be the one to give out these positive vibes, don't question anyone for how they are, accept them and support them.
If you are someone suffering then speak out. Don't be afraid to, it's not embarrassing, it's honest and genuine, it's who you are, it's life. We all have our own struggles. We all go through many emotions in life and we all have the power to help change everyone's outlook on life. If you want the world to be a better place you have to contribute towards it. If you show support and love to someone you know suffering you may have just saved a life. Who wouldn't want to do that?
If you are suffering, it doesn't make you a failure of a parent, it doesn't make you a failure of a friend, it doesn't make you a failure of a partner or a failure of anything. It makes you a person. A person with feelings and ideas. It makes you a person that has gone through pain, that has suffered. A person that has lived a life and gone through many experiences that has brought them to this point. It is also a person that can be helped. A person that can be treated like a person. Not like there is something abnormal about them.. A person that can overcome these terrible mind-eating diseases if people shine the right light over it. If it isn't looked down upon. If it isn't laughed at or sighed about or brushed under the carpet. We are all different which is what makes the world a beautiful place, who are you to tell someone they are wrong for how they are? We don't choose who we are but we can choose who we become and if you want to make someone stronger and happier you have to make it your personal mission to help them change their outlook rather than judge them for not thinking your way, encourage them to.
We should be building people up, not knocking them down.
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
Flat tum flops
Hello all you crazy people that have taken the time reading my blog,
Firstly, I would like to say a huge thank-you to all my family and friends for their support in me sharing my blog. I've received a lot of positive feedback and a lot of ideas for new posts which has made me very happy.
Therefore any ideas I welcome and am happy to write about whatever you wish.
This post is dedicated to a friend of a friend who wanted advice on getting a "flat tum" now I'm not sure how I feel about this... I think too much of the media focuses on celebrities and their flat tummies (some you can pretty much see their bones....who wants to be a skeleton???)... I am looking at a magazine right now that has an article about Katie Price supposedly slagging off Kelly Brook's curves (CHRIST. KELLY BROOK'S BODY IS INSANE.) all bodies that are in good health are good bodies in my mind. Be grateful for your fully functioning organs, it is a gift most take for granted. Rather than straining yourself think of more positive things to focus on like getting your fitness levels up.. I have found the more I have paid attention to my fitness, the more I have noticed a change in all of my body, including my stomach. I have actually found it.. *chokes* enjoyable....OK I SAID IT..to get my fitness levels up...in some awful fucked up way I don't think there is a better feeling than that after a crazy workout (I know some of you are questioning this you dirty-minded people).
Believe it or not the key to losing weight from your stomach is actually 70% from what you eat...do as many sit ups as you like you are not going to burn off the twelve creamcakes you've just eaten... the truth hurts I know. Food-wise for your stomach I would say cut down on your carbohydrates (by no means cut them out!) I'm talking swapping things up- eat sweet potato, wholewheat pastas, wholemeal bread etc, don't eat too much bread or drink too much milk as these things bloat you believe it or not. If you have noted a genuine problem in bloating then go to the doctors as I know a few people that found their stomachs were often bloated and sometimes quite sore- this could be a genuine allergy to gluten. Bloating can be reduced by drinking hot water..this also soothes a poorly tum or trapped wind (gross.) Drink lots of water as this cleanses your insides and clears you out and green tea can speed up your metabolism along with espressos.
However. I have come up with a devious little workout plan for anyone that wants to tone up their tums.
CARDIO- cardio is your best friend to shift any unwanted chub.
Running- this is a disgustingly beautiful exercise and if running was a person I would kiss it and kill it in the same breath. We have a love/hate relationship; me and running however it is VERY good for shifting weight in the stomach area- I have found this works for me personally.
If you are in the gym hoping to shift weight off your tum then get on that treadmill and do a 5k run- it only takes half an hour at the most...if it takes you more you need to speed up snail!
After your 5k is done you will look like you've just been hit by a tsunami and if you're anything like me your breathing will sound like you're trying to converse with a whale. Your new best friends for toning up your tum will now be a kettlebell/ plate/ medicine ball... use between 2.5 and 5kg- nothing under!!!
Without using these things do 30 crunches, grab your medicine ball like you would grab David Beckham in the H&M advert and do your torso twists...yes bitches another 30! Then cling to that plate with your dear life because you do NOT want that dropping on your heads and lie down with your feet together, knees facing outwards like you're making a pretty triangle and do a sit-up pushing the plate upwards so that you finish sitting up with both your arms raised in the air with that pretty plate pushed up...another 30....then do 30 bicycle crunches... Follow these exercises with a minute plank.... After your plank go up onto your hands and lift your knees up to your elbows like your spiderman climbing a wall...another 30....follow this up with crunch and hold for 10 seconds and down...do this 3 times....then lie down put your arms straight upwards and reach up lifting your shoulders off the floor 30 times....if you aren't feeling the burn by now then I am coming to fling an iron at you. Now it is time for the scissor sisters to pop out...lie down flat, pop your hands under your bum....I don't know why we do this but I find it positions me better...lift your legs off the floor by an inch or so and cross them over each other...another 30....follow this up by another minute plank.
Repeat this twice more and you will feel like action man and your abs will hopefully be burning so much you'll look in the mirror and convince yourself you're the hottest thing since Britney Spears in her 'I'm a slave 4 u' video. Jeez.
So.... to cut things down....
-5k run
-30 normal crunches
-30 torso twists
-30 plate sit ups
-30 bicycle crunches
-1 minute plank
-30 spiderman climbs
-3x10 sec crunch and hold
-30 reaches/shoulder lifts
-30 scissor sisters
-1 minute plank
do this 3 times through...
I hope this workout helps and I would like to hear feedback from anyone that tries my workout. I have also found there are many workouts on YouTube by the wonderful Gillian Michaels that are actually really good too.
Just remember ladies and gentlemen that life isn't all about having an insanely good body, we should build our bodies up to be better but don't become obsessive and stop it from building a better life for yourself too. These things should go hand in hand.
Lots of Love Guys. x
Wednesday, 9 July 2014
The secret to a healthy lifestyle.
Okay. There is no big secret.
Most of your answers to a healthy lifestyle, to staying at a healthy weight with healthy skin, hair, teeth and nails are all pretty simple.
No fad diets. No crazy tea- drinking weight loss regimes. No vegan/gluten free diets purely for the sake of losing weight.
Most of the celebrities you see on E! News or in the magazines- celebrities such as Kim Kardashian, Cameron Diaz, Angelina Jolie, etc. These celebrities have probably- as much as I hate to face up to it- have had plastic surgery. If they haven't then may I point out how much money these people are rolling in? They can afford products we will never get the chance to see. They can afford nutritionists, personal trainers, they can be shown all the best workouts and gyms and exercise classes to do and go to. They get the best of the best because what do they have more than the rest of us? Money.
Money is really what makes the world go round, what everyone seems to crave. Money is what makes all these celebrities so desirable- they can afford the best.
I have been researching a lot about what is the best for my body. I have been taking a lot of note on how the healthiest people I know personally eat. I have also looked at the way people eat in the places I travel to.
There are three main factors many forget to take note of:
1) Water- Always be grateful for the small things. Be grateful for having pure, clean water. Drink it to your heart's content. Drinking two litres of this a day will cleanse your body, keep your skin healthy and it really helps your digestive system too.
2) Exercise- My God. Something these fad diets don't teach is the importance of exercise. Slimming World and Weight Watchers for example- I have been doing a test for sometime and following many people that do these diets on Instagram. I can see they are taught what the best things are to have in their diet, to eat lots of fruit and vegetables, limit your carbs and cut down on all the those naughty snacks. However many of the people I know that exercise on these diets have done it of their own accord. These diets teach that their diet will work wonders without the ''effort'' of exercise. Effort? In order to keep your body healthy, you must keep up your strength and stamina. Do you want to be one of the first to go in a Zombie Apocalypse? I don't think so.
3) SLEEP. Now I can't really comment on sleep as I work ridiculous hours in my part-time job at Frankie and Bennys. However I am very lucky to only work part-time as I see the effect the lack of sleep has on the many colleagues I have met in the three years I have worked there. It is horrifying what people will do to earn money. People will happily hand over their soul for it. Lack of sleep makes your body crave sugar to fuel it in short bursts, it will give you a BAD attitude- you want to try telling a chef who has done five 12 hour shifts in a row that you have made a mistake and you need Penne pasta instead of Spaghetti. Jeez. My advice is to have at least 7-8 hours of sleep a night. It varies with different people but I always feel fine after having between this amount and I am a very active person. If you need to nap and you have time then take the nap- I'm not talking hours but if you can fit in a good half an hour it will refresh you completely, believe me.
Do what is best for your body!
Everyone is different, everyone works different jobs, everyone can afford different things, everyone requires different amounts of things to fuel their body. It is the beauty of being individuals.
For me, I am a student. I work a part-time job which requires me to work probably between 20 to 30 hours a week in which I'm running round a restaurant like a headless chicken, keeping this active means my body needs a decent amount of food to maintain the energy to keep me going throughout these long shifts. I also do a lot of workouts, I workout during the summer 5-6 days a week if I can and throughout University term time I do 4-5 days a week. Whether this be a body pump class, using a barbell through a variety of exercises such as squats, lunges etc. To doing bootcamp which is an intense class putting you through different sets of exercises that require high intensity bursts such as burpees, jumping lunges, weighted exercises followed by running or sprinting, etc. To even zumba toning classes, dancing for a full 45 minutes to an hour to set routines using weights and switching it up between dancing, squats, lunges, leg lifts, etc.
I have found that for me the best thing is consistency. I used to have really bad mood swings and I can get quite irritated now however I've found that by doing a lot of exercise has really made me a lot happier. The endorphins released in exercise naturally puts you in a better mood and makes you feel more energetic without any ridiculous energy drinks. I have found that the more I do intense exercise the better my body feels but I am happy to try anything. I have also found that time really does help. The more I work on doing an exercise class such as bootcamp or doing something I used to hate such as running the easier I find it to push through each time I go. I used to drink a lot of fizzy drinks when I was younger but now I hardly ever drink any fizzy drinks apart from the odd blackcurrant cordial and soda at work if I feel really drained I feel it gives me a better boost than any can of coke ever could. I don't drink much other than water, tea, smoothies and the odd coffee from work or iced caramel macchiato from Starbucks (this is a treat!!!). I rarely eat chocolate any more as I used to have a lot of headaches and a guy at work told me he cut out chocolate and it stopped his headaches, after trying this I have found it actually helps. I don't gorge on biscuits or crisps like I used to when I was younger however who doesn't love a good treat of a cup of tea and a couple of biscuits to dip in every so often? I am very guilty of dipping tortilla chips in my favourite- houmous on the off occasion. I don't eat fast food- McDonald's, KFC, etc and I can't stand food from a chip shop, the grease completely turns my stomach. However at Uni I found myself eating more chinese and dominoes than I usually would but it didn't make me feel great at all.
I find that the more fresh your food is the better you feel. Who doesn't feel good after eating a salad? I find that eating too many carbs makes you feel really bunged up but I don't believe you should have a carb-free diet especially if you're as active as I am.
As a Uni student who hasn't allowed themselves an overdraft I am required to eat on a budget however I have just finished my first year and a pot noodle or packet noodles or pasta or anything of that sort has passed my lips. I barely touch tinned food either. One of my flatmates would eat the cheapest foods as possible- constantly in competition with himself to save all of his money...on what I don't know but the majority of his food didn't look appetizing.
I cook my food in olive oil only. Olive oil is really good for your skin and hair and it is has many benefits for your heart. The Mediterranean diet uses a lot of olive oil and they have the lowest incidence of heart disease. Who wants heart problems? Not me.
I also don't eat processed food such as ham and meats alike to this. I mostly eat chicken and occasionally I have bacon or beef. My Mum used to say I was silly for eating peanut butter if I'm trying to eat healthily but nuts, nut butters, houmous, avocado all have the best fats and are really good for your diet.
I have always had a sweet tooth and I believe that treating yourself to that Peanut butter and dark chocolate cheesecake for dessert is very well deserved (you'll find these at the Vintage Inn pubs-incredible!) but I don't think shoving unhealthy foods down your throat every day makes them very tasteful. Too much of anything is never a good thing.
I have seen a lot of girls my age taking up the bad habit of smoking as it suppresses your appetite. This is so so bad for your health and for your teeth and skin. I don't want to put a downer on all you party animals but seriously smoking really isn't cool and it doesn't benefit you in any way.
Drinking alcohol- I found at Uni I didn't gain weight apart from the odd occasion where I'd gain a couple of pounds during a week where I'd drank a lot. It made me feel groggy, made me crave crappy food and it made me not want to move out of bed to which I'd feel incredibly guilty for missing my workouts and then once I did workout I'd find it so much harder. Cut down on your alcohol intake but don't cut yourself off from socialising.
A girl I know lost a dramatic amount of weight by becoming a vegan. She didn't need to beome a vegan. She just wanted to limit the foods she could consume to basically become more and more thin. Ladies and Gentlemen this is very unhealthy if you are a carnivore then eat your meat as long as its lean its healthy, if you are a veggie then make sure you get your protein in somehow but for christ's sake don't become something just for the sake of it. It is silly and wrong.
Stay away from the scales. I mean it if your body feels good with the food you're eating, you are active and you feel like you have enough energy then you're healthy. Congratulations. None of you need a fucking number to brag about, it doesn't matter.
Models like Kendall Jenner and Kate Moss and Victoria Beckham are increasingly in the spotlight and their bodies have become a major desire for young girls along with the Victoria Secret models. Did many of you know that the model industry is responsible for many eating disorders? Many of them smoke? Many of them take drugs? Do you still want to be this unhealthy that your blood pressure is probably beneath the floor? Do you want to miss breakfast, lunch and possibly eat a carrot stick for dinner? Post your one meal a day on instagram so the whole world can see how healthy you are? Yes, many models have wonderful bodies but so do many average people. Don't desire something that won't make you healthy.
NO EXCUSES- I have seen this posted in a lot of gyms and it is actually often very true. Apologies to my mum for bringing her into this but my mum has always been unhappy with her body. My mum doesn't frequently exercise and she hasn't always had the best diet. May I point out this doesn't define my mum as a person and I am by no means criticising her, she is a beautiful woman inside and out regardless to weight and diet, however she will agree with me that she probably regrets not keeping herself active and healthy as it has in some ways damaged her body, she has problems with her back and legs which make her struggle to do exercise now however I believe if she had consistently exercised then this problem probably wouldn't have occurred. My mum has started her journey of eating much healthier and her and my stepdad have made many culinary beauties in the past few months and my mum feels and looks so much healthier for it which just proves my theory-consistency is key. Just to point out how proud I am of her for this.
Another piece of proof in this- my Auntie rarely checks the scales, is consistently active and eats as healthy as she can. Consistency is key guys it is all very simple.
Your body is a temple if you want to destroy then keep attacking it but if you want it to maintain its healthy structure then be consistent. Never deny yourself a treat. Some weeks are harder than others. We change how we eat and the amount we exercise when we are busy or on a budget or travelling but there are still many ways to keep yourself healthy if you stay focused. Don't obsess over the scales, they don't define who you are as a person. I don't care if you're 6 stone or 15 stone, if you're a bitch, you are a bitch.
I hope my post has helped many of you. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me- hannahmacdonald8@hotmail.co.uk.
XO
Most of your answers to a healthy lifestyle, to staying at a healthy weight with healthy skin, hair, teeth and nails are all pretty simple.
No fad diets. No crazy tea- drinking weight loss regimes. No vegan/gluten free diets purely for the sake of losing weight.
Most of the celebrities you see on E! News or in the magazines- celebrities such as Kim Kardashian, Cameron Diaz, Angelina Jolie, etc. These celebrities have probably- as much as I hate to face up to it- have had plastic surgery. If they haven't then may I point out how much money these people are rolling in? They can afford products we will never get the chance to see. They can afford nutritionists, personal trainers, they can be shown all the best workouts and gyms and exercise classes to do and go to. They get the best of the best because what do they have more than the rest of us? Money.
Money is really what makes the world go round, what everyone seems to crave. Money is what makes all these celebrities so desirable- they can afford the best.
I have been researching a lot about what is the best for my body. I have been taking a lot of note on how the healthiest people I know personally eat. I have also looked at the way people eat in the places I travel to.
There are three main factors many forget to take note of:
1) Water- Always be grateful for the small things. Be grateful for having pure, clean water. Drink it to your heart's content. Drinking two litres of this a day will cleanse your body, keep your skin healthy and it really helps your digestive system too.
2) Exercise- My God. Something these fad diets don't teach is the importance of exercise. Slimming World and Weight Watchers for example- I have been doing a test for sometime and following many people that do these diets on Instagram. I can see they are taught what the best things are to have in their diet, to eat lots of fruit and vegetables, limit your carbs and cut down on all the those naughty snacks. However many of the people I know that exercise on these diets have done it of their own accord. These diets teach that their diet will work wonders without the ''effort'' of exercise. Effort? In order to keep your body healthy, you must keep up your strength and stamina. Do you want to be one of the first to go in a Zombie Apocalypse? I don't think so.
3) SLEEP. Now I can't really comment on sleep as I work ridiculous hours in my part-time job at Frankie and Bennys. However I am very lucky to only work part-time as I see the effect the lack of sleep has on the many colleagues I have met in the three years I have worked there. It is horrifying what people will do to earn money. People will happily hand over their soul for it. Lack of sleep makes your body crave sugar to fuel it in short bursts, it will give you a BAD attitude- you want to try telling a chef who has done five 12 hour shifts in a row that you have made a mistake and you need Penne pasta instead of Spaghetti. Jeez. My advice is to have at least 7-8 hours of sleep a night. It varies with different people but I always feel fine after having between this amount and I am a very active person. If you need to nap and you have time then take the nap- I'm not talking hours but if you can fit in a good half an hour it will refresh you completely, believe me.
Do what is best for your body!
Everyone is different, everyone works different jobs, everyone can afford different things, everyone requires different amounts of things to fuel their body. It is the beauty of being individuals.
For me, I am a student. I work a part-time job which requires me to work probably between 20 to 30 hours a week in which I'm running round a restaurant like a headless chicken, keeping this active means my body needs a decent amount of food to maintain the energy to keep me going throughout these long shifts. I also do a lot of workouts, I workout during the summer 5-6 days a week if I can and throughout University term time I do 4-5 days a week. Whether this be a body pump class, using a barbell through a variety of exercises such as squats, lunges etc. To doing bootcamp which is an intense class putting you through different sets of exercises that require high intensity bursts such as burpees, jumping lunges, weighted exercises followed by running or sprinting, etc. To even zumba toning classes, dancing for a full 45 minutes to an hour to set routines using weights and switching it up between dancing, squats, lunges, leg lifts, etc.
I have found that for me the best thing is consistency. I used to have really bad mood swings and I can get quite irritated now however I've found that by doing a lot of exercise has really made me a lot happier. The endorphins released in exercise naturally puts you in a better mood and makes you feel more energetic without any ridiculous energy drinks. I have found that the more I do intense exercise the better my body feels but I am happy to try anything. I have also found that time really does help. The more I work on doing an exercise class such as bootcamp or doing something I used to hate such as running the easier I find it to push through each time I go. I used to drink a lot of fizzy drinks when I was younger but now I hardly ever drink any fizzy drinks apart from the odd blackcurrant cordial and soda at work if I feel really drained I feel it gives me a better boost than any can of coke ever could. I don't drink much other than water, tea, smoothies and the odd coffee from work or iced caramel macchiato from Starbucks (this is a treat!!!). I rarely eat chocolate any more as I used to have a lot of headaches and a guy at work told me he cut out chocolate and it stopped his headaches, after trying this I have found it actually helps. I don't gorge on biscuits or crisps like I used to when I was younger however who doesn't love a good treat of a cup of tea and a couple of biscuits to dip in every so often? I am very guilty of dipping tortilla chips in my favourite- houmous on the off occasion. I don't eat fast food- McDonald's, KFC, etc and I can't stand food from a chip shop, the grease completely turns my stomach. However at Uni I found myself eating more chinese and dominoes than I usually would but it didn't make me feel great at all.
I find that the more fresh your food is the better you feel. Who doesn't feel good after eating a salad? I find that eating too many carbs makes you feel really bunged up but I don't believe you should have a carb-free diet especially if you're as active as I am.
As a Uni student who hasn't allowed themselves an overdraft I am required to eat on a budget however I have just finished my first year and a pot noodle or packet noodles or pasta or anything of that sort has passed my lips. I barely touch tinned food either. One of my flatmates would eat the cheapest foods as possible- constantly in competition with himself to save all of his money...on what I don't know but the majority of his food didn't look appetizing.
I cook my food in olive oil only. Olive oil is really good for your skin and hair and it is has many benefits for your heart. The Mediterranean diet uses a lot of olive oil and they have the lowest incidence of heart disease. Who wants heart problems? Not me.
I also don't eat processed food such as ham and meats alike to this. I mostly eat chicken and occasionally I have bacon or beef. My Mum used to say I was silly for eating peanut butter if I'm trying to eat healthily but nuts, nut butters, houmous, avocado all have the best fats and are really good for your diet.
I have always had a sweet tooth and I believe that treating yourself to that Peanut butter and dark chocolate cheesecake for dessert is very well deserved (you'll find these at the Vintage Inn pubs-incredible!) but I don't think shoving unhealthy foods down your throat every day makes them very tasteful. Too much of anything is never a good thing.
I have seen a lot of girls my age taking up the bad habit of smoking as it suppresses your appetite. This is so so bad for your health and for your teeth and skin. I don't want to put a downer on all you party animals but seriously smoking really isn't cool and it doesn't benefit you in any way.
Drinking alcohol- I found at Uni I didn't gain weight apart from the odd occasion where I'd gain a couple of pounds during a week where I'd drank a lot. It made me feel groggy, made me crave crappy food and it made me not want to move out of bed to which I'd feel incredibly guilty for missing my workouts and then once I did workout I'd find it so much harder. Cut down on your alcohol intake but don't cut yourself off from socialising.
A girl I know lost a dramatic amount of weight by becoming a vegan. She didn't need to beome a vegan. She just wanted to limit the foods she could consume to basically become more and more thin. Ladies and Gentlemen this is very unhealthy if you are a carnivore then eat your meat as long as its lean its healthy, if you are a veggie then make sure you get your protein in somehow but for christ's sake don't become something just for the sake of it. It is silly and wrong.
Stay away from the scales. I mean it if your body feels good with the food you're eating, you are active and you feel like you have enough energy then you're healthy. Congratulations. None of you need a fucking number to brag about, it doesn't matter.
Models like Kendall Jenner and Kate Moss and Victoria Beckham are increasingly in the spotlight and their bodies have become a major desire for young girls along with the Victoria Secret models. Did many of you know that the model industry is responsible for many eating disorders? Many of them smoke? Many of them take drugs? Do you still want to be this unhealthy that your blood pressure is probably beneath the floor? Do you want to miss breakfast, lunch and possibly eat a carrot stick for dinner? Post your one meal a day on instagram so the whole world can see how healthy you are? Yes, many models have wonderful bodies but so do many average people. Don't desire something that won't make you healthy.
NO EXCUSES- I have seen this posted in a lot of gyms and it is actually often very true. Apologies to my mum for bringing her into this but my mum has always been unhappy with her body. My mum doesn't frequently exercise and she hasn't always had the best diet. May I point out this doesn't define my mum as a person and I am by no means criticising her, she is a beautiful woman inside and out regardless to weight and diet, however she will agree with me that she probably regrets not keeping herself active and healthy as it has in some ways damaged her body, she has problems with her back and legs which make her struggle to do exercise now however I believe if she had consistently exercised then this problem probably wouldn't have occurred. My mum has started her journey of eating much healthier and her and my stepdad have made many culinary beauties in the past few months and my mum feels and looks so much healthier for it which just proves my theory-consistency is key. Just to point out how proud I am of her for this.
Another piece of proof in this- my Auntie rarely checks the scales, is consistently active and eats as healthy as she can. Consistency is key guys it is all very simple.
Your body is a temple if you want to destroy then keep attacking it but if you want it to maintain its healthy structure then be consistent. Never deny yourself a treat. Some weeks are harder than others. We change how we eat and the amount we exercise when we are busy or on a budget or travelling but there are still many ways to keep yourself healthy if you stay focused. Don't obsess over the scales, they don't define who you are as a person. I don't care if you're 6 stone or 15 stone, if you're a bitch, you are a bitch.
I hope my post has helped many of you. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me- hannahmacdonald8@hotmail.co.uk.
XO
Thursday, 3 July 2014
Summer
Summer is here once again. Another year has passed and I am living in Biddulph again with Dale. A lot has happened this year- like most years, everything changes. I haven't had any contact with my dad for almost five months. I feel like I have finally got to a place in my life where my efforts, time and energy are better placed elsewhere. All I have of my dad is bad memories and all he brings into my life is negativity. It's sad but it's true and that's life for you- you must deal with the good and the bad and no matter what people tell you about someone being family and being your flesh and blood, you don't have to deal with people you don't want to deal with. I grew incredibly tiresome of my dad and how awful he was at being a parent. He has no time for his children and he constantly pushes them away to pursue relationships and to make extravagant gestures for their families whilst he refuses to acknowledge his own and it was far too painful for me to continue living a life with him constantly being an issue.
In much better news, I have passed my first year at uni. Although the first year 'doesn't matter so much' I am always trying to improve myself, always trying to work hard and push for the best for myself and knowing I have passed makes me really happy and worth all the effort I put into my work. I haven't yet found out my results but I am hoping that they present all of the tearing my hair out.
I would honestly recommend university to anyone. It's true what they say- you go to Uni to find yourself. I have learnt so much about myself this year. I have realised just how passionate I am about acting, drama, the theatre, performing, dancing. I have realised that it is an extremely hard industry to get into and many have negative things to say about it and have a lot to criticize about but I believe it makes you a very strong person. It is an industry that matches my ethos of working hard to reach your goals.
I have made so many memories at University- some good, some bad. However there isn't one thing that I would change. I believe every choice you make frames you as a person- whether you feel quite regretful of your choice or whether you feel happy to have made it. You are the writer of your own life and that's a beautiful thing.
Whether it has been dance competitions with the dance team, crazy nights out with my flat 10 family or rehearsals with some of the most talented people I've ever met I have had an incredible first year and I am so excited to continue my journey at University.
The one thing that I have found hard from moving to Stoke is missing my three beautiful sisters grow up. I am so proud of every small or big achievement they make- they are so unique and crazy in their own, individual ways but they are such lovely girls, it makes me happy to be able to call them family.
Dale and I recently went to Italy. I would genuinely recommend travelling there to anyone. It is the most beautiful, wonderful place. I would live out there. We travelled to a resort called Lido Di Jesolo in the Venetian Riviera. It is bustling with cyclists, restaurants, shops, bars, Gelato shops, everything. We stayed for a week at the Eden Hotel and it was such a friendly, modern place to stay, it wasn't too much or too little of anything. It was well placed and they put on a delicious spread for breakfast. The food in Italy is quite simple but they make the most simplest of meals a delight. I have severe holiday blues after visiting here. I think that this trip was a great thing for me and Dale, we have such busy lives and we sometimes lose sight of the amazing relationship we have. We are both guilty of this but we really shouldn't. Especially after his major car accident in March, you would have thought that I would appreciate everything to it's fullest. Italy was an amazing time for us and I do think you should travel often with your loved ones as you get time for yourselves, its lovely and intimate and it's good for the soul. If you go to Italy- drink lots of aperol spritz, rent a bicycle, try as many bruschettas as your mouth can contain and trust the locals- they too are wonderful people.
In much better news, I have passed my first year at uni. Although the first year 'doesn't matter so much' I am always trying to improve myself, always trying to work hard and push for the best for myself and knowing I have passed makes me really happy and worth all the effort I put into my work. I haven't yet found out my results but I am hoping that they present all of the tearing my hair out.
I would honestly recommend university to anyone. It's true what they say- you go to Uni to find yourself. I have learnt so much about myself this year. I have realised just how passionate I am about acting, drama, the theatre, performing, dancing. I have realised that it is an extremely hard industry to get into and many have negative things to say about it and have a lot to criticize about but I believe it makes you a very strong person. It is an industry that matches my ethos of working hard to reach your goals.
I have made so many memories at University- some good, some bad. However there isn't one thing that I would change. I believe every choice you make frames you as a person- whether you feel quite regretful of your choice or whether you feel happy to have made it. You are the writer of your own life and that's a beautiful thing.
Whether it has been dance competitions with the dance team, crazy nights out with my flat 10 family or rehearsals with some of the most talented people I've ever met I have had an incredible first year and I am so excited to continue my journey at University.
The one thing that I have found hard from moving to Stoke is missing my three beautiful sisters grow up. I am so proud of every small or big achievement they make- they are so unique and crazy in their own, individual ways but they are such lovely girls, it makes me happy to be able to call them family.
Dale and I recently went to Italy. I would genuinely recommend travelling there to anyone. It is the most beautiful, wonderful place. I would live out there. We travelled to a resort called Lido Di Jesolo in the Venetian Riviera. It is bustling with cyclists, restaurants, shops, bars, Gelato shops, everything. We stayed for a week at the Eden Hotel and it was such a friendly, modern place to stay, it wasn't too much or too little of anything. It was well placed and they put on a delicious spread for breakfast. The food in Italy is quite simple but they make the most simplest of meals a delight. I have severe holiday blues after visiting here. I think that this trip was a great thing for me and Dale, we have such busy lives and we sometimes lose sight of the amazing relationship we have. We are both guilty of this but we really shouldn't. Especially after his major car accident in March, you would have thought that I would appreciate everything to it's fullest. Italy was an amazing time for us and I do think you should travel often with your loved ones as you get time for yourselves, its lovely and intimate and it's good for the soul. If you go to Italy- drink lots of aperol spritz, rent a bicycle, try as many bruschettas as your mouth can contain and trust the locals- they too are wonderful people.
Friday, 24 January 2014
Untitled- small section of the fictional piece I've been working on since summer.
I'm running. My heart is pounding through my chest. Pounding. So hard. Every part of my body hurts. Every single fucking inch of me burns. It hurts to breathe. I don't think I am actually breathing anymore, not really anyway... it's more like desperate gasps of air that cause my entire body to quiver, I don't think I'm capable of moving any further. My body is shutting down. Slowly but surely. I must have been running for miles now, my body gave up on me hours ago and now all it can do is remember this same motion. Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. I don't know how to stop. I'm approaching a lake and there are some bushes by the lake and I know I could just stop and crawl into the bushes and calm my breathing and drink the glorious sugar filled milkshake I saved in my backpack that I could so desperately devour right now. I need to do something....anything but this god awful running. I can barely think straight. I'm near the bushes. Just stop. My legs won't. Oh fuck, please. I can't take anymore. I dive into the bushes and hurl my body onto some nettles and I can't catch my breath back and it stings. It stings so bad and I clap my hand over my mouth whilst I try and control the gasps of breath escaping me before the uncontrollable sobs begin. I'm not crying for the pain, although the nettle stings are almost too much to deal with for my current fragile, aching body. I'm crying for myself. Everything is too much to deal with. I can't let myself cry but the pain is soul-destroying and everything aches. Every fucking muscle aches and my arms are burning from the nettles and I struggle to open my backpack but I'm so desperate for sugar and my heart is pounding in my chest and every muscle aches and I can't think straight but I can't let myself cry. I swiftly remove the lid of the milkshake and gulp it back. The chocolatey goodness swirls down my throat and it's such a welcomed, beautiful feeling and it subsides all too quickly and all I feel is a sickness building up inside me because my breathing still hasn't slowed down and I'm miserable. It's a feeling that even some chocolate milk couldn't shake.
I feel calm again. Somewhere in all my hysteria I fell asleep. I don't know how I did it but maybe running for two hours had something to do with it. My body is still aching. I am still lay amongst the nettles but my body is just immune to all pain right now. I take a deep breath and try to calm my thoughts but I am scared about how long I've been asleep and how much time I have wasted. The sky is darker, the moon has started to glow and everything surrounding me is quiet. So quiet. I wonder whether I should stay here. Lie here and indulge in this quiet but I can't. I must keep moving forward.
I don't know where I'm going and I don't know what to do. I genuinely don't know how it came to this. I sit up, having to slowly peel myself away from the nettles. My skin tingles and my arms are covered in little red spots and they're aching and I don't want to get up but I have to keep moving forward. Forward. I go into my backpack and drink the rest of my milkshake, my stomach feels content once again. I'm used to going without real food. I hear something crunch. If I had moved at that moment I would have easily missed it. The lake is so quiet and peaceful that any single sound is heightened. I clamp my lips together and my whole body tenses. I am listening. Listening. Minutes pass. It feels like hours. Nothing. Maybe I imagined it. I stand, brushing leaves and droplets of soil from my clothes. I zip up my backpack and put it back on my shoulders. It feels much heavier now I have lost all sense of adrenaline. I am still tired. Exhausted, even. I start walking. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. I freeze. I definitely hadn't imagined it. It's not the kind of crunching you hear when someone is eating. No, this is the kind of crunching you hear when someone is walking on leaves. The sound is getting louder and more frequent. I panic. I don't know which direction it's coming from. I have nowhere to hide and I have nowhere to run. I look around but I can't see anything. I can't see anyone. I have to start running again. My whole body groans at the idea of more fast-paced movement. I start jogging and the crunching stops but someone is definitely running now. They're getting closer. I don't know which direction they're coming from. I panic. I pick up my pace more and more till I'm sprinting. I can barely catch my breath. They're chasing me now, I can hear someone panting and they're running and I'm scared. I'm sprinting but they're still after me. The pants are pants of anger. They aren't struggling to breathe but I am. My pace is slowing because my body can't take anymore but I keep moving forward. Sweat is dripping off me and I can't breathe and my pace is slowing. Slowing. It's all too soon. I am forced to the floor by a heavy thick male hand and I scream. I scream so loud and yet no sound comes out. I am flipped over and I see that face. That stupid fucking familiar face I know all too well and I scream and I kick and I scream and I kick and...
I feel calm again. Somewhere in all my hysteria I fell asleep. I don't know how I did it but maybe running for two hours had something to do with it. My body is still aching. I am still lay amongst the nettles but my body is just immune to all pain right now. I take a deep breath and try to calm my thoughts but I am scared about how long I've been asleep and how much time I have wasted. The sky is darker, the moon has started to glow and everything surrounding me is quiet. So quiet. I wonder whether I should stay here. Lie here and indulge in this quiet but I can't. I must keep moving forward.
I don't know where I'm going and I don't know what to do. I genuinely don't know how it came to this. I sit up, having to slowly peel myself away from the nettles. My skin tingles and my arms are covered in little red spots and they're aching and I don't want to get up but I have to keep moving forward. Forward. I go into my backpack and drink the rest of my milkshake, my stomach feels content once again. I'm used to going without real food. I hear something crunch. If I had moved at that moment I would have easily missed it. The lake is so quiet and peaceful that any single sound is heightened. I clamp my lips together and my whole body tenses. I am listening. Listening. Minutes pass. It feels like hours. Nothing. Maybe I imagined it. I stand, brushing leaves and droplets of soil from my clothes. I zip up my backpack and put it back on my shoulders. It feels much heavier now I have lost all sense of adrenaline. I am still tired. Exhausted, even. I start walking. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. I freeze. I definitely hadn't imagined it. It's not the kind of crunching you hear when someone is eating. No, this is the kind of crunching you hear when someone is walking on leaves. The sound is getting louder and more frequent. I panic. I don't know which direction it's coming from. I have nowhere to hide and I have nowhere to run. I look around but I can't see anything. I can't see anyone. I have to start running again. My whole body groans at the idea of more fast-paced movement. I start jogging and the crunching stops but someone is definitely running now. They're getting closer. I don't know which direction they're coming from. I panic. I pick up my pace more and more till I'm sprinting. I can barely catch my breath. They're chasing me now, I can hear someone panting and they're running and I'm scared. I'm sprinting but they're still after me. The pants are pants of anger. They aren't struggling to breathe but I am. My pace is slowing because my body can't take anymore but I keep moving forward. Sweat is dripping off me and I can't breathe and my pace is slowing. Slowing. It's all too soon. I am forced to the floor by a heavy thick male hand and I scream. I scream so loud and yet no sound comes out. I am flipped over and I see that face. That stupid fucking familiar face I know all too well and I scream and I kick and I scream and I kick and...
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