I think a lot of my friends will probably tear their hair out when they read this. It is something I must do and I am sorry.
I have known from a very young age that I am a very creative person. I have found that this is how i vent my feelings. I wash away negativity through acting or dancing or writing. I would rather go do a workout and sweat it out then sit in my room and cry. I'd sooner go to the studio and choreograph a routine than sit moaning for hours. I feel like if I create something I'll instantly feel better.
This is probably going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to write but I feel like I must do it not only for myself but for others that have been through this and will go through this so that they know that they aren't alone, they aren't going mad and most importantly- they will get through it.
I have never been through a break-up before. Considering this was my first relationship and my first in several aspects of my life I must admit it felt almost at first like a part of me had disappeared when it ended. I had gotten so used to being in a relationship- to talking to the same person day in, day out. To telling them every problem I had, how my day had been, to the stupidest things- like how exciting the new drink at Starbucks was. Everything I saw and did I felt had to be shared. He was my best friend.
When you're in a relationship you become a piece of each other, if you're in a long-term relationship you will become very alike, you'll have a language that only the two of you understand, you won't have to ask what the other is thinking because you'll already know, you will know when you've done something wrong before they tell you, you will learn to know them inside out.
I think a lot of people thought I was insane for being engaged so young but at the time it felt right. I have a very big heart and I am also very stubborn and I won't give myself away unless it feels completely right. When I go into something like that I'm either all or nothing. I can't do anything half-heartedly. If you are my friend, you will understand this, my relationships with people are very sacred to me. I am very protective of the people I love and I will defend them to the end of the earth. I will give them everything I have even when I have nothing for myself.
I also won't let myself be taken for granted. To an extent I do, but you can only push me so far and then I have to cut you off for my own sake. I gave my all in that relationship, I fought for it in every way I could. He was my best friend and at times my worst enemy but I really, truly loved him. And I know that although towards the end it felt as though I was having none of this returned, I know at some point in this whirlwind we did love each other and it was never a mistake, only a lesson learnt.
I have let a lot of people down through this break-up and for that I can only apologize. I went completely in on myself and the people around me suffered, I haven't allowed myself to be alone for very long at all in the past month or so up until right now while I am typing this because I couldn't trust myself. If I was alone my emotions would go crazy and I would just sit and cry. I don't think anyone should have to go through a break-up, it physically and mentally drains the life out of you and I don't think anyone should suffer this way. But as I have been told many times by family and friends- even during my relationship- nothing lasts forever. You must appreciate something while you have it and I felt that by the end I wasn't appreciated enough and this is why I wanted to write this.
You have to let go of the things that make you feel heavy. You can get through anything if you put your mind to it. If you feel like a situation fills you up with negativity then you must remove yourself from it. It's a cliche but we only have one life and you only have this one life to be yourself. I felt towards the end of the relationship I wasn't myself anymore. I wasn't being uplifted by it, it was dragging me down. I was always too worried about what he was doing than what I could have been doing for myself. You MUST look after number one, acknowledge your own feelings. Think about what's best for yourself.
Another thing we must all come to terms with is nobody will react to a situation like you will. I found it so difficult to get my head around my ex moving on so quickly because I felt as though I had given so much to him that I needed to work on myself and find myself really before I would feel as though it was going to be okay to move on. I couldn't understand how he could go from being the centre of my universe to being the centre of another's. As I said earlier when I go into something I want to give it all or nothing. I think if I had moved on quickly it would have been a waste for that person because I wouldn't have anything left to give. I was empty by the end. This past month I have filled myself up as much as I can. The best advice I can give to a person coming from all of this is that you must fill yourself up too. Read, watch, learn, experience. It seems a bit cringey really but seriously put yourself out there. Talk and laugh with the people around you. Every person you talk to will have their own experiences and stories to share and it helps hearing them. It really does.
Every day since this I have learnt more and more about myself and I think although it hurt more than anything it was very necessary for me to do it for myself.
I have watched far too many people in my family suffer during relationships, I have watched them put up fight after fight and be left with nothing. When you see the people you love suffer you give them all this advice because it cuts you right to the core to see them suffer this way but when it comes down to you and you look in the mirror and see your own suffering, your own issues, are you ever going to take your own advice?
Another thing I have learnt is never apologize for saying how you feel. We all react to things in different ways, we all deal with situations differently. You can't think that because your friend moved on from their relationship so quickly that you will too. You can't think that because your friend doesn't cry over something that you're being pathetic if you do. As the saying goes, we live and we learn. We are all different and from every negative thing we pick up something positive.
Through any negative situation we must go through, there is always going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't met my ex I wouldn't be sat in this university library right now typing this. I wouldn't be living in Stoke. I wouldn't have found so many incredible people and done so many amazing things.
When you're having a hard time always look at the bigger picture. When you finally find your silver lining you will eventually see the reason for your cloud, no matter how dark the cloud may be.
