I wouldn't say I am completely recovered from any struggles I have had mentally but I would say that travelling has allowed me to figure a few things out which has relieved quite a lot of pressure.
Anyone that knows me well knows that before I left for Thailand I was mentally a mess. This isn't an easy thing for me to admit. I am always pushing myself to my limits, taking on as much as possible and trying to magically become a machine, I feel an immense amount of pressure because I don't know how to say no to things and worse than that i find that whenever I do say no to things I feel an insane amount of guilt and feel like I'm letting everybody down and start imagining every possible thing someone could be saying about me because of this. I felt like a failure. Before I left I was crying almost every day, I was exhausted mentally and physically and I really needed this break more than I can explain.
We went to Thailand having only booked our return flights to & from Bangkok and our hostel for the first night, everything else we planned along the way, this was pretty daunting but made for quite the adventure and made me realise I'm more capable than I thought of getting things done.
Before I went to Thailand I had punished myself for years on the way I look. I never felt completely good in my own skin, I was always looking at other people and wondering why I didn't look like this person or that person. I was always judging and criticizing my body, regretting eating and being angry with myself for missing that one workout. It was so unhealthy and sometimes the motivational things I was posting on social media was to help myself more than anyone else, these were the things I needed to hear.
A couple of days into the trip a girl took a photo of me and Sophie and when I saw the picture I was mortified. I looked huge. I felt utterly betrayed by my body, I had worked so hard at the gym and eating well ready for this trip and here I was bulging at the seams. I was mortified. I went back to the hostel that night and cried. Afterwards is when I decided I needed to get a grip of myself, for myself. My friend Sophie calmed me down and tried to tell me it's just in my head, that's not how i look. She's right. We all look at ourselves in such a negative light. We see our faces and bodies every single day so we are essentially bored. We look at others with complete fascination because they are different to us. By comparing ourselves this way we are reaching for the unachievable. It's so unhealthy.
It all sounds so self indulgent that I let something like my body/ weight/ looks affect a part of my trip but you don't understand it until you have been through it yourself. This is something that could literally ruin my day, I could wake up look in the mirror and be completely and utterly horrified by my reflection, I just can't explain why.
It was from this moment that I decided I couldn't let my issues with my body and myself affect any more of the trip. I had earnt this break more than anything, I wasn't going to ruin it for myself with these thoughts.
This is when the magic happened.
I opened myself up to thinking in a whole new light.
I started to acknowledge the way I looked at other people and how I looked at myself and turned things into a positive.
I noticed that when I actually looked at others I never criticized their weight or their outfits or the shapes of their noses or the way they had styled their hair. No. I was just doing that to myself.
From then on I realised that what I see in people and what I love about people are their qualities.
The people I met whilst travelling I never once judged them based on looks I admired them for their interesting stories, their kindness, their compassion, their achievements, their drive, their ideas, their hopes and dreams. I fell in love with strangers for their individuality. That's when it clicked. Only I was looking at myself with such disgust. Nobody else.
It was all in my head.
My head was telling me people were disgusted with me if I ate this or ate that or if i gained a couple of pounds. I was telling myself that my friends thought I was ugly and literally thinking up scenarios of people slagging me off for the way I looked. I was narrating other people's minds when people probably didn't even care.
People that love you love you for your qualities and there is always going to be someone out there that looks at you and thinks you have beautiful hair or skin or eyes but they might not necessarily voice that opinion.
The truth is, looks are false. They don't reveal much about you as a person, yes we should celebrate our different looks and different bodies and embrace our outer selves but in my opinion someone could be the most beautiful person in the world but if they have a bad heart or a cruel mind that's all you will be able to see.
I learnt whilst travelling that there are so many interesting, beautiful people in the world with so much to offer and we should be celebrating that. We should be lifting ourselves up.
I met soooo many people travelling that were so brave, I met two guys that were vlogging and blogging their trip, all they had were return tickets with no intention of heading home anytime soon. They were the happiest souls I have ever met. I met a wonderful couple that had travelled to an insane number of places within 3 months. I met a girl that had been working in Australia and then she had been travelling for 2 years alone. I met so many people and not once did I consider their outer shell, I was fascinated by their personalities and the stories they had to tell. That's what made them beautiful people.
What I'm trying to say is that if people don't love you how you are, they don't deserve a place in your life. Most of the time it is all in our head, people don't care about the way you look and if they do then there is something wrong with them not you. Our beauty comes from within.
Aswell as this complete revelation about myself I also learnt that everything happens for a reason. The places you go, the people you meet, everything is a domino effect. Don't believe me? Go travelling with a couple of things booked and watch your stories unfold.
The people we met out there completely determined the places we visited, the transport we got, the food we ate. Everyone had amazing stories to tell and lots of recommendations and if we hadn't met all these people, some in the most random circumstances then we wouldn't have done half of what we did. It will blow your mind the way the world works.
More than anything, travelling taught me to be completely and utterly grateful with what you have. The people in your life, love them as much as possible, love is irreplaceable, it is gold dust. Go travelling, see the world, visit temples, spend time caring for animals, try new foods, find peace, snorkel with fishies and sharks, swim in the oceans, find the good in every day and see the beauty in everything. When you see a new culture it shows you just how lucky we are for things like clean bathrooms, a comfy bed at night, clean clothes, clean water, etc. Never mind the crazy things we own like technology, transport etc, we honestly don't know we are born sometimes. At the end of the day things like designer clothes and shoes, fancy cars and tons of cash are completely irrelevant, these aren't the things that will feed your soul or make you smile. Sure, they can buy you THINGS but things give you momentary happiness. Memories and the people you surround yourself are what will bring you the most joy.
Sorry for the ramblings but I just wanted to show how much travel brought me a whole new positive mindset.
So go and book yourself that bloody plane ticket! You will never regret it.
H x
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